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If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll see
that I’ve been talking to Ladies. So now, guys...it’s your turn. Now, I am a
sort of old fashioned person, however, if you were waiting to hear ‘a woman’s
place is in the kitchen’...you will grow a very long white beard and the moon
will turn green and you will still be waiting, even after hell freezes
over...not a chance. I would have said when pigs fly but well just a couple of
days ago, a pig flew on a US Airways flight, so there goes that one...it seems
pigs do fly now. Well, if you insist her place is in the kitchen, like someone said...remember, that's where the knives are!
Where was I? Yes, I am quite old fashioned in
certain beliefs but while I am, I also believe that a woman’s place is most
certainly NOT in the kitchen. As far as I am concerned that was the statement
of a very chauvinistic excuse for a man which some men, because it was more
convenient, decided to take as law. Before you start hyperventilating, let me
finish. A woman’s place is where her husband needs her. Why do I say that? As a
Christian, the Bible says God decided to create ‘an help, meet’ that is to say
as I explained in my previous post
‘an aid that would be a counterpart/proper for
That means that if man needs help in raising
finances for the home at some point or the other, that’s her place (i.e. going
to work) at that point in time. If he needs help raising the children (at some
points dear husband, you will be the one disciplining or laying down the law so
her help is not needed at those times), or help to raise support for a campaign
e.g Obama, or like our ancestors if they needed help in the farms...that is
where her place is. You see a woman does not have a fixed job description. She
is not confined to the house yet she is not confined to outside the house (all
ye feminists, take heed). She is not just a cook, or child bearing machine, or
a nanny or a Laundromat or a lover...she is all that wrapped in one and then
some. But so that she does not have multiple personality disorder (of which I
am convinced men think all women have...:D), she is each of these and more at
different points in life when they are needed.
Now that you understand her place in your
life, dear husband, I just want to tell you that just as we have our roles to
play, you also have 3 roles to play:
(This was originally written Sunday, February 22, 2009 at 6:24pm)
I am very sure everyone has heard about the Chris Brown-Rihanna saga. Chris Brown beat up Rihanna, the whole world is hanging on to every tit-bit. Millions of viewers tune in daily, in fact by the minute to check the latest details while the more technologically-inclined ones browse the internet. Everyone is taking sides, it’s Chris Brown’s camp versus Rihanna’s camp. The tabloids are having a field day and the rest of the media world is treading carefully, it’s a ‘high-profile’ case.
Hold up a sec, am I the only one missing something here? Chris Brown beat up Rihanna, SO WHAT? Yes, so what? There are millions of women who suffer this same fate day in day out but because a ‘celeb’ is involved, the world must come to an end. I am not belittling this case in any way, not at all, I am saying people let’s put this in perspective. Instead of focusing on the ‘one’ woman that we know is a victim of this ugly menace, let us consider the millions out there that are still suffering this abuse.
I must say, I have heard about Domestic Abuse, I have read about it but until this incident, I never considered the enormity of it. It has happened, it has happened, it’s not time to take sides or cast recriminations but a time to sit up and take action to ensure that this does not happen again when it can be stopped. I really am embarrassed with the LAPD handling of this case. I respect them and applaud them for their efforts daily and their handling of this case but as far as I am concerned, they too have seemingly lost focus on this issue, they are too concerned with the fact that it is a celebrity and the fact that they have jurisdiction and all the facts and ‘we must be shown to be efficient in all we do’ to consider the full implications of this.
First of all, when the news first broke, a wise step would have been to say that the issue was under control but also that this was a reminder of the evil that is domestic abuse that goes on everyday and they would have gone on to say that they are calling out to people to watch out and be their neighbour’s keepers; and if they know people that are suffering this to get them help and get them police protection. Then when her name and the picture came out, a wise step would have been to say of course we are investigating this leak as it should never have happened but it was bound to happen. They would have said let’s not focus on the fact that it leaked or whether or not it is Rihanna (Robyn Fenty), let us look at that face and not just see a possible star’s battered face but the face of millions of women around the world on a daily basis; women powerless to stop it; Women whose neighbours are too busy ‘minding their own business’.........but not too busy to ‘mind celebrities businesses’. The LAPD would have used this as an excellent opportunity to set up or if one exists, advertise a helpline for victims. This is the most effective advertisement that anybody will find to fight Domestic Abuse. This is because people will associate it with someone they admire and respect, see the full implications and stand up to help and thus reduce this. I am not saying exploit the case, I am saying use this as an opportunity to fight for the millions of faceless women out there going through this.
Some people will say ‘ma momma told me, leave it be, you can’t help’, or ‘this is only one person out of millions, it makes no difference’. LIE. IT does make a difference. As a wise gentleman known as Lao-Tzu said, ‘the journey of a thousand miles begins with ONE step’. “Little drops of water form a mighty ocean” says a children’s adage. It is true, this was proved by the election of the first black president in America and this can be proved again. I will borrow from President Obama’s statement and say, Yes we can stop domestic violence in North America, South America, Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia; YES WE CAN stop domestic violence in the world.
BUT FIRST IT BEGINS WITH ONE LITTLE STEP. WILL YOU TAKE THAT ONE STEP WITH ME?
3.Woman, you are your husband's SUPPORT and sometimes you will have
to support your entire family.
rib may provide support and protection for the entire body in
him, be his biggest cheerleader. You may not always like it or agree with it,
but remember we just talked about covering, support him. (So long as it is not
evil). Sometimes, you may have a better idea which he may not want to accept,
support him in his idea and in time he will see the benefit of yours. If he doesn’t
and it becomes obvious you were right...remember, shut it. Do not say ‘I told
you so’. I have a personal policy with all my friends, no matter how many times
I may be right, I never ever say...’I told you so’ to them. They've already realized it - sometimes too late - but there's no need to rub it in, that’s just petty.
his dreams and his aspirations; support his hope, his ideas, and his
initiatives. Stand by him. Be a stalwart support. An example (I love using
examples ‘cos they explain far better sometimes) is the Obamas, whenever Barack
Obama was on the campaign trail, you can bet it that Michelle would be there
always. She was constantly voicing her support for him wherever she went. I
mean if a man’s wife was not supporting his convictions or dreams and ambitions, I’d be worried. You may
not realize it woman, but there is no greater affirmation or expression of confidence that a man can receive
than one from his you, his wife. Your words, woman, matter A LOT to your man. Make sure
you are speaking LIFE and encouragement to your man. But you know, the rib does
this particular function in some not all animals, this means that sometimes
(with wisdom) you need to fall silent. Ever hear of Herman Cain, Candidate for
the 2012 U.S. Republican Party presidential nomination? He withdrew from the campaign.
Want to know why? Well, it seems allegations of sexual misconduct were made
against him by 4 women. He said his decision on whether or not to withdraw
would be based on his wife. He withdrew. She couldn’t support his campaign anymore
obviously and he withdrew. For whatever reasons, that was her choice. Woman, YOU can make or mar your man...which is going
protect the family, your husband and children, that God gives you. In prayer, love, caring
and nurturing. Again, this function is carried out in some not all
animals. That means that you protect your children as much as you can but there
will come times when you have to LET GO and let them make their mistakes, even
when they are little. Example, my nephew is always jumping off the stairs or
running and no mater how many times he is admonished he keeps at it. You know,
some lessons are best learnt by yourself. He has tripped while running indoors,
and was cuddled while crying. He still runs sometimes but the hurt from falling
while running or jumping and hitting his leg on a toy he left around remains
with him and he listens much much more when admonished now. It is the same,
mama bear, sometimes...just step back and watch but with arms open wide waiting
to pick them up. Like the lioness, you have to go through her to get to her
cubs but when the lions are grown and go to form their own prides, she lets them
go. When they say they are going to uni, moving out or getting married, shed bucket
loads of tears, hug them, kiss them, bless them, wish them well and let them go;
and just keep loving them from where you are.
into your role today and watch your man and your babies become people to be
reckoned with. Take lessons from the rib and watch and see the change in your
family. I wish you a blissful marriage and home as you step into this
realisation that the power to make a successful home lies in your hands. And I
wish you unending strength and patience and above all love to deal with
whatever the man and the babies throw at you, you’ll need it!
Rib protects the heart, lungs and other internal organs of the thorax.
protect your man especially in prayer. Protect his weaknesses, his fears, his
deepest darkest secrets. Protect his interests and his vulnerabilities. Just as
in order to harm the heart you have to go through the ribs first so also woman,
before anyone can get to your man in any way, they must go through you and through the shield of prayer and
protection you have erected around him.
the core of his being, protect and thereby nurture his dreams and inspirations.
No matter how inconsequential it may seem now, protect it. Remember, never
despise the days of little beginning. Remember Samson and Delilah? Now she is
not a prime example of a good wife, BUT they had to go through her to get to
Samson. She did not protect his secret and that was what was used to get to
him. Do not underestimate the power God has given you, woman, but DO NOT abuse
it. Your true power lies in submission (another topic entirely!). The rib
protects the heart, woman protect your man’s identity and the essence of who he
rib is constant, never moving, never leaving, and never changing except to grow
in line with the rest of the body. Woman, stick to your husband’s side and grow
with him as he grows. As you pray for changes in him you also must change and
grow...it is and will always be a 2-way street. When the rest of the organs are
falling apart, the ribs do not follow suit. If your man seems to be falling apart
whether due to a loss or difficulties, whatever it is, cover him and stand by
him. Hold him, comfort him, love him and where necessary give him space to get
himself back together. Like it or not woman, sometimes you will have to be the
one to hold it all together when all around you seems to be falling apart. I
wish for you the strength and the discipline to do so.
(one more to go...Guys, I'm coming for you after that!)
while we are on the subject, WOMAN shut it! I mean it, put a cork in it.
explain a bit what I mean by covering and why I said shut it. When you have
laundry to do, you don’t go yelling and announcing that all your clothes are
dirty and you need to launder them. Even to a close friend the most is probably
‘oh I was just doing some laundry’ or I’m about to do my laundry if they catch
you doing it, or I will be doing laundry so I can’t make that time etc. You do
not list every item of clothing you are laundering or why. When I was in Uni (I feel
old), I would put my laundry in the prettiest bag I could find and go to the
laundry room, wash and dry and REPLACE them in the same bag. Ladies, note the
prettiest boys are usually the ones that are full of it and need a lot of work,
but do you know what, the prettiest ones when they get their act together with
the right person with the right conditions and timing have the potential to
also be the best. NOTE: After you wash clothes, you leave them to dry. When you talk a little bit, (shut it) leave the man to God and leave him to sort himself out. If you keep checking the clothes they take longer to dry out and may not dry as well as if you'd left them to run their natural course. Keep prodding hubby to change and don't be surprised if he gets irritated and/or it seems to take a lifetime and then some before you see any change. Also when baking a cake you NEVER open the oven halfway even if to check the progress else it will fall and never rise properly even if it had risen. When you see a change or something important is happening, sometimes the best thing you can do for hubby is to shut it and pray that it gets better and is sustained . Don't mention that he is neater now on day 1 of him picking up after himself, give him time to improve himself his own way, Then appreciate the effort and praise him, don't go trying to make him change another thing. YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT ANOTHER HOME IMPROVEMENT PROJECT.
People seeing me walking with a pretty bag never knew I had
laundry to do. It’s the same, people seeing you should not be able to tell that
you feel like strangling him at that moment (it happens...lol). Wait until you
are both together indoors and then privately have it out. If someone comes by,
you don’t pull out the laundry from the machine or the bucket, you stop and
hide it in the bathroom or leave the machine on and close the door of the
laundry room and then when they go you get back to it.
if you have a visitor when you both are having a heated discussion, no matter
how close to you and your hubby, they should not be able to tell. Now, I don’t
know about you, but when I wash, I generally don’t dump everything in and wash,
I separate colours, textures, type of materials and I use a specific amount of
soap depending on volume as well as specific temperature of water AND it lasts
for a specific time. Deal with whatever it is appropriately, don’t make a
mountain out of a molehill and stop trying to squash a mountain to look like a
molehill. Ladies, keeping a grudge just makes you bitter and petty and very
unattractive. Hash it out, argue, sort it and MOVE ON. Stop reminding him every
argument after of what he did before. Oh and the only way your clothes will
stay clean is when they are never worn, the only way any human being is without
fault is if they are dead. Only God is perfect, DEAL WITH IT! And when you are
hashing it out, the whole world does not have to hear. When a washing machine
is on, if it is a good one, the only way you can tell is if you see it running.
The only way a neighbour can tell you’ve been doing some washing is usually
when you have to spread your clean clothes to dry and even at that you don’t
spread your delicates for public viewing. The only thing people should see is a
man (and a woman) who has gotten better and matured like fine wine. You see
when you give him room he will keep improving (as should you because it is a
two way street) and the evidence will be seen by all around. But it not every
improvement the world has to know (e.g he makes love to me so much better than
before...please we really do not need to know that!). You see when you are
wearing proper underwear, I may not see it but I can tell. Same thing. When everything
in your private relationship with hubby is going well, it will reflect in him
and his work, his friendships and activities. (He doesn’t have to drink to a
stupor or constantly visit restaurants).
NOTE: The Right Conditions and Processes will always produce the Right Results.
(That being said, any man that lays a finger on a woman is not a man, make sure you check out all the signs and labels before you pay the price. Don't cover or condone a man who lays his finger on you. If he does, don't let it progress to marriage, you cannot change this, only God can)
After God created the man, God
decided to create ‘...an help, meet for him’. Not a HOUSE help but a help, meet.
That is to say ‘an aid that would be a counterpart/proper for the man’. (I used
the Hebrew translation to see meaning of original words used). Now to do this, he
caused man to fall into a deep sleep and took out a ‘rib’ and from this fashioned
a woman. (Note: the Rib is a pretty curvy bone...ergo...:D) Now, God is a deliberate
God and there was a reason God chose the rib, he did this as a way of
portraying the role of a woman.
A woman has 3 specific roles:
1. Woman, you are your husband's COVERING.
Rib surrounds the chest enabling lungs to expand thus facilitate
breathing by expanding the chest cavity
covers everything. It hides every deformity, every defect, every weakness in
the organs, the rib covers. If someone says they have a heart defect for
example, the rib does not open up to show it. No matter how bad, the protective
ribcage remains and even after it is fixed it still stays. Woman, cover his faults just like the
ribs protect a defective heart. Now, I didn’t say accept it, I said cover it. The difference? Accept means to regard as proper which is in effect, pretending a problem doesn't exist, Cover on the other hand means to protect or conceal or to defend meaning you are aware there is a problem but rather than airing dirty laundry you choose to cover it while it is sorted out. Woman, don’t
go blabbing every single fault your man has. Don’t go castigating and
criticising him, after all you chose him and you saw the faults. Instead cover
him and speak well of him. Take a leaf from Abigail's book, even though Nabal was wrong, she took off after those who would do him harm, she covered him and thus saved his life, she didn't sit around calling him names. The Proverbs 31 woman, the bible says, ‘...she will do him good and not evil’.
BUT in covering him or his faults do not make him
feel it is all right to be lazy or rude or whatever. See, the rib surrounds the chest but in a manner that enables the lungs to expand. It ensures that
the lungs have enough room to expand but it does not dictate the level of
expansion it simply gives it room to grow. Cover him but give him the room to
grow ON HIS OWN. When you cover bread dough, because of the ingredients in it under the right conditions, it will rise without your interference. Same principle, cover him, speak good of him ALWAYS, in private mention with love and respect to him any areas you feel he can improve on and then give him room to act on it in his own way. Woman, you have no right whatsoever to demand change from any man. Who died and made you God? Give him room to grow into the
man he is meant to be.
The rib in carrying out it's function also enables breathing. This, I'm sure you will
agree is vital for life. In covering him, DO NOT smother him. Abeg, please, let the guy breathe
and relax. If he says ‘Sweetheart, the guys and I are heading out’...give him a
kiss full of promise, call the girls up and go hang out or settle down and
catch up on the sleep you've missed (*wink*) or just do something on your own, whatever it is do not begrudge him time on his own. As John
Gray (author: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) says ‘Men are like
rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they
come springing back.’ GIVE HIM SPACE, space to miss you, space to value what he
has with you, space to reassert his autonomy and space to remember why HE chose
YOU. Space. Stop calling every second ‘just to make sure he’s ok’, stop
checking his phone and please STOP CLINGING. In time you’ll make his skin
crawl. Tell me ladies, if you bought two face creams to try out and one felt
really oily and sticky, but the other felt airy and light...which would you
keep? I know which I would choose. If he truly loves you, you have nothing to
fear, he’s YOURS....